My life has never been easy.
I loved Jesus. I was raised in church. My grandmother was a big influence in my life. She was a God-fearing woman and always sowing into me. But the devil sought to destroy me at a very young age. When I was seven my world turned upside down by my parents’ divorce. I started getting sexually molested at seven by a family member. Growing up, I felt like I was put here as a piece of meat. I would try and eat to make myself fat so the family member wouldn’t have anything to do with me. That apparently didn’t work. This went on till age 13. My life was calm after that, but the scars on the inside never left me.
I got married right out of high school. I had two daughters who showed me what unconditional love really was. My husband left me after five and half years. After this I met Mike, who was a good man. We got together and dated for a year. Then we got married.
I started having a lot of pelvic pain. I went to the doctor, but they couldn’t figure out what was going on with me. The doctor did a hysterectomy on me. I got addicted to the pain medicine. The doctor had butchered me when he did the surgery. Not only that but I found out it was a bladder condition; I didn’t even need the surgery. After he got through, I had to have two more surgeries to fix what he messed up. From then on, I had an addiction to pain meds. This problem rocked on for a long time. I would get off the meds, then get right back on them.
The doctors basically just passed me around. They eventually took me off the meds altogether. Then I heard heroin was about the same thing, so I started getting it.
I let a drug dealer borrow my car. They got arrested in it. Mike got me out of all that. I stopped doing drugs. I was clean for about two years. We were helping to raise my stepdaughter’s baby. She got taken from us, and I got accused all over social media of being a heroin addict. I was so depressed I went to my old friend and started again.
On top of that, the family member that molested me as a child moved right next door. They pointed cameras toward our house. We feuded with these people for a while. The family was supposed to give me the deed to my place. They never did, instead they tried to kick us out. At first, we tried to fight it, but it didn’t work. My drug use had gotten really bad. Mike decided he wanted a divorce, then changed his mind. The first of the summer, I almost had an overdose.
During all this, I had gone to the hospital and was not in my right mind. I hit a security guard. They swore out a warrant for my arrest. The next day I turned myself in. Mike got me out right away.
Mike and I had separated and were living apart. Mike had got so depressed. July 29, 2021, we were together, and that night he died in my arms. I was so devastated. It was the worse night of my life.
After this I started speedballing. I wanted to die. I never went back home. I had PTSD.
I went to treatment and got clean. I never touched heroin again. I basically traded one thing for another. I moved around a lot. I had no hope. I blamed myself for everything. I thought my family didn’t want me around. I was ashamed to go home. I couldn’t face my family. I was staying with a friend in Birmingham. I was at the end of my rope.
I hated God. But in the midst of this He never left me. Jesus told me to hang on, that I was going to do something big to help others get to Jesus. After that, Mike’s friend contacted me. He helped me get back in church and reconnect with my family.
Here I am now, and it’s been a long, hard battle. The worse storm of my life, but Jesus never left me.
Someone out there needs to know the love of Jesus. He died on the cross for me and you.
I am trying to live for Him. I am still a hot mess in some ways, but I have something now that I never stopped to realize: how much He loves me. He has pulled me out of some of darkest seasons of my life. I have been in jail and one foot in Hell. I have been homeless. He was right there. I have had people steal from me and leave me on the side of the road. During this time He put me in front of five windows. He showed me that I would survive. I got my mom and dad back. I also got my daughters and two grandsons. I have gone back to college; I just got my certification in Graphic Design. I have been big into art for a year. I am doing what I can to glorify God. I wouldn’t be here without Him.
He will meet you exactly where you are. You don’t have to be perfect for Him. He already loves you: “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:8 NIV). That verse reminds me of the transformative power of God’s love. It is indeed incredible how God’s love can transform our lives and bring us to a place of redemption and peace. The metaphorical waters of God’s love run deep, purifying the darkest corners of our souls and washing away the stains of our past.
Heart of Flesh Literary Journal 