I was born on the 12th of January 1948 into a family of Anglican churchgoers who sent away their male offspring to boarding school as a matter of course.
I have to say all nine years from the age of eight were traumatic for me. The second school, one of the top public schools, was supposed to be established for the sons of Anglican clergy. It was there I first encountered homosexuality.
My somewhat short-lived career was in the education sector, teaching modern languages in mainly state secondary schools, and most of the time I was out of my depth. My years as a teacher were terminated when I took early retirement for reasons of ill health.
I had my first introduction to evangelical Christianity when I went to college in Cambridge — not the university. I gravitated to the Christian Union and spent most of my time as a paying guest at a conservative evangelical theological college. During the 2 ½ years I was there, I never realised I hadn’t made a commitment to Jesus Christ. I just wanted to feel part of a community after my harrowing years at school.
Fast forward another twenty years my then-wife and I went on holiday to Crete and met a lovely Christian elderly couple from Southport. The last evening together, while we were walking towards our usual cafe for an evening coffee, the two of us men got involved in conversation. I will never forget the gist of what we said. I was the one who mysteriously stated I believed we were living in the last days. Where I had got hold of that thought I have no idea, because it had been a long time since I had had anything to do with church. A. stated he thought I was only a hairbreadth away from accepting Jesus Christ as Saviour and Lord.
As a result of that encounter, I started going to the local Baptist church back home in Hereford, where I soon enrolled in an Alpha course, during which I did make a commitment, which, as I look back, I don’t think was in the form of a total surrender.
S, my then-wife, and I moved to Christchurch in East Dorset, because I erroneously thought I was ready to go to a local Christian training college. Fortunately, I was persuaded that, because of ongoing health problems, it would be unwise for me to take such a course of action.
I became a member of Christchurch Baptist Church, where I remained for 11 years. I would describe the church as evangelical and charismatic. Towards the end of my time there, I had a “picture” of myself in a desert wearing a suit of armour which was so tight-fitting that I could hardly breathe, and then suddenly the armour just melted away.
After I came out as a gay man in November 2011, I misinterpreted the picture, thinking I had at last escaped the stultifying biblical teaching of the church and found “my authentic self.” How wrong I was!
It was S, my then-wife, who helped me come out after challenging me on numerous occasions about my identity. I denied I was gay until the occasion when I was jet lagged and exhausted after a long journey back from a short trip to Charleston, South Carolina, and I admitted for the first time that I was indeed gay. It felt as though a great weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Again, I wrongly misinterpreted the sign. Instead of it being one of “finding freedom,” it was as though I had dispensed with God’s protection.
Looking back at the time I was a member of the Baptist church, I would describe myself as I was then as a self-righteous prig who always wanted to win arguments and not necessarily “share the gospel message.” I put it in inverted commas because I didn’t fully allow the gospel to flood my whole being without reservation. I was always wanting to prove myself, and everything revolved around my wishes and desires. I was not surrendered to the will of God. Yet I had, as I have explained, committed my life to Jesus in a form of words. At the same time, I was basically holding something back, which included the secret of being gay and I was afraid of being subjected to conversion therapy. Self was still on the throne of my life and dominated my thoughts, words and actions.
So I wandered for 12 years in the desert, unprotected and yet, as I look back, I can see the invisible hand of God at work, drawing me closer to Him, almost inch by excruciating inch.
During this time, I had a deep-seated anger directed towards those in the church who condemned members of the LGBT community. Perhaps it would be better to explain that the origin of the anger was a root of bitterness.
This anger together with the root of bitterness was completely obliterated in November 2023 when I had an overwhelming experience of God’s redeeming love and the gospel message suddenly became personal. What Jesus did on the cross, he did it for me. I was humbled by God’s mercy and grace and have remained so. I also saw my anger and its root of bitterness as being self-centred and therefore sinful because it related to the impact other people had on me.
The next thing that happened in November 2023 was that I became aware of God’s holiness and righteousness and reviewed my life in that light. It was a sobering experience. I confessed my sin and received forgiveness and cleansing of all my unrighteousness on the sole basis of the atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ.
Matthew 11:28-30 has taken on a new meaning. For us, the burden is indeed light because he has already taken the heavy burden of our sin:
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
I have completely surrendered to him, and continually surrender each day, and I know I am an adopted son of my Heavenly Father. I also know I am no different from anyone else because the love of God doesn’t differentiate. We can do nothing to make Him love us less or nothing to make Him love us more. His love is beyond human understanding and can only be realised by us through the power of the Holy Spirit.
From Christmas Day 2023, I was housebound because of incontinence, and I believe the Lord allowed this to happen, so that I could be taught from his Word, going back and forth from the Old to the New Testament, and it was an exhilarating experience, marvelling at how prophecy was and is to be fulfilled through the people of Israel and in the coming of their Messiah, Yeshua (Jesus).
During this time, I was given a supernatural love for Israel and the Jewish people because without them we would not have known Jesus. I am so grateful to them.
While all this was going on at home, K was with me. We had been living a celibate marriage and sleeping in our own rooms.
He is an ardent atheist for reasons which could be seen as understandable. He told me that the Philippines’ Roman Catholic church’s stance on homosexuality was predictably traditional, and yet, in his opinion, most priests are gay. K saw the hypocrisy of this and so cannot divorce God from the church.
He has seen the change in me. Whilst I long for him to know Jesus Christ as Saviour and Lord and have shared the gospel message with him, I have tried not to pressure him and hope I respect his position.
By mutual agreement, K left in April 2024 to go back home to Dumaguete in the Philippines because he was needed more by his family than here. He can continue his online work as an executive assistant anywhere.
In May 2024, I went out to Dumaguete to receive treatment for my incontinence and was helped so much by K and his family as well as the staff at the hospital.
Soon after I returned, I started attending Blackpool Tabernacle Church just across the way from me and have been there ever since.
For a long time, I had been conflicted about being gay and a Christian, and trying to link them together but failing to do so as a result of my understanding of the Bible. I suppressed my suspicions until the time when I came to a difficult and painful decision.
In July 2024, K and I had a video call where I told him I could no longer love him as my husband because I believed homosexuality was a sin, because I now held the biblical view of marriage to be between a man and a woman, and that sex outside marriage was therefore a sin. K said he had been expecting this, so was not surprised. He respected my decision but disagreed with me about my position on homosexuality.
I have told him I will keep my promise to help finance the purchase of a plot of land and the building of the family home. Also that K is still my sole beneficiary.
He has seen the change in me, whilst being here until April. My aim when talking with people is to share the gospel message whilst listening to them and trying to respect where they are coming from.
I was baptised on the last Sunday of October 2024 (27th) at the Blackpool Tabernacle Church at 6pm. The recording is on YouTube, and after about 30 minutes, I say a few words.
K came over for my baptism. He told me he wanted to support me, and I told him he was very welcome and I really appreciated his decision. He went back to the Philippines.
I look forward to the future and know God will reveal his perfect, sovereign will for my life. Wherever and whenever he leads me, I will go or stay. The key is to surrender daily to his guidance, according to Proverbs 3:5-6: “Do not lean on your own understanding but in all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your paths.”
Many of my friends along the Fylde Coast do not yet know the Lord. I have a burden for them, and long for their salvation. He has provided opportunities for me to share the gospel with anyone in love and respect.
I went on retreat recently, and I believe the Lord is calling me back to Charleston, from where my grandfather’s family originated, and where I visited once a year between 2006 and 2011.
Since that time, an opportunity has opened up to rent a room in a residential establishment for retired people. The place is near my sister’s home in the Bournemouth area. My brother and sister-in-law are only a couple of hours away from there, as too my ex-wife, whose decision not to wish to see me I respect and pray can be reversed in time, although I am very conscious of not wishing to be seen to intrude on her own life.
I viewed the room in January 2025 and decided to take it. I believe that this is the right move to make for many reasons, especially when considering the long term.
I have also reconnected with the church where I was a member for 11 years.
K will very kindly be coming over from the Philippines to help me move down to Southbourne in mid-March. I really appreciate his care and concern. I know he and his family love me, and if I were ever to decide to move to the Philippines, they would look after me. I hope and pray they all come to know Jesus Christ as Saviour and Lord and they are adopted into God’s family with Him as their Heavenly Father.
I believe it is the Lord’s will for me to move down south and to then prayerfully consider the calling to Charleston in South Carolina, as well as possibly Barbados and Israel. Everything has to be done according to the Lord’s will and His timing. I am in His hands and guided by Him, not my own desires.
The Lord is calling me to serve others, putting their needs above my own, while sharing the gospel message sensitively. He gave me a vision which concerned one of the plantations just outside Charleston in conjunction with another along Ashley River Road, and also one of the churches along the same road, as well as the road itself.
We know we are adopted children of our Heavenly Father and our destination is heaven with Him in glory, as we work out our salvation with fear and trembling, pressing on to the upward calling of Christ Jesus. All other identities pale into insignificance compared to this inheritance.
I quote from the book of Isaiah in the Jewish Scriptures which form the Old Testament. Among the Dead Sea Scrolls was found the manuscript of the complete book of Isaiah in its original language and dated 700 years before the birth of Jesus Christ. It is remarkable how the meaning of both the original words and their modern translations does not diverge:
“He was wounded for our transgressions,
He was bruised for our iniquities;
The chastisement for our peace was upon Him,
And by His stripes we are healed.” (Isaiah 53:5)
This is a description of the atoning work of the cross of Calvary.
“All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,
being justified freely by His grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus”. (Romans 3:23-24)
All honour, glory and praise be to God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit — God in Three Persons!
The Presence of God
by Bill Grimke-Drayton
The wilderness, beckoning my spirit
Into its fiery cauldron to sift
For purification of soul —
With my feet standing on holy ground,
I am in the presence of God.
A swirl of clouds,
Surrounding the sacred mountain,
I ascend at the appointed hour
When the gates of heaven open
Into broad avenues,
Paved with burnished gold.
Never alone, I wander through
Angelic praises of him
Who died and rose again for me,
To behold the radiance of my Shepherd-King,
Whose flock are gathered in
For the fulfilment of all the promises
Made through creation’s story.
Glory be to the One who sits in majesty
At the right hand of the Father,
Before whom every knee shall bow,
And every tongue confess
That Jesus Christ is Lord.
Heart of Flesh Literary Journal 