I was at a church retreat when I was 13 or 14 and accepted that Jesus Christ died on the cross for my sins, and I was born again during a nighttime service with several of my friends. His love poured over me. The Heavens opened that night with thunder and lightning, and I knew it was God celebrating.
I am not sure when it happened, but within a few years, even though I never stopped believing in God’s Word and His promises, I stopped walking in His faith.
I chose my own path instead.
I am going to share just a few of the struggles I have experienced in my life.
I promise the love part is coming …
My parents divorced when I was 13 months old, and my dad stayed in my family’s life, but I was brought up by my mother.
My mother was traumatized as a child. As a result, we had a dysfunctional relationship, and she passed when I was 22 years old. That relationship brought me guilt and shame, and shortly after her passing, I entered an abusive relationship that lasted about three years. I dealt with drug addiction and excessive drinking. Anxiety and low self-esteem plagued me for most of my life, and at times it still does. God watched and saw me through all of this and still loved me unconditionally.
I just didn’t realize it.
My biological father, my dad … he was truly a special man. My dad was my best friend and my biggest cheerleader. My dad saw me through all my trials and struggles as well and loved me unconditionally.
We had the best relationship.
My dad went to be with the Lord on March 5, 2024.
I love and grieve for him every day. And I do not fight the grief. Because for me, grief is the reminder of the love we shared, and I will never let that go. The memory of my dad brings me peace, love, and comfort.
In June of 2024, I was renting an apartment and was told I had to move. I vowed to buy my own place, which led me to Mount Holly, NJ, an area I knew little about. When I first saw the place, there was a painted picture of a cardinal on the wall. Ten years ago, my dad gave me a painting of a cardinal that I treasure (in the years before his passing, he had become quite an artist).
I have a small deck that has become my sanctuary. I sit outside with peace in my heart, and I have a cardinal that visits on occasion. I, of course, have named him Daddy-O.
I knew I was here in Mt Holly for a reason. Yet I was not sure why. I was 25 minutes away from my friends and family, and many nights I cried, feeling like I was living in a foreign country. The seller of my home had told me that the First Presbyterian Church right around the corner was nice. I remember logging on at home to my first sermon. To my surprise, I saw a pastor who spoke like an actual human being, using comedy and speaking to people, not AT them, in his sermons. WHO is this, I thought?
I continued to watch online and then started to attend services. I believe the Holy Spirit led me to this church.
Shortly after starting to attend services at First Pres, I was lying in bed right in the middle of being awake and twilight, and I heard the voice of God speak to me in a whisper. His voice was soft, and I am so humbled that I was able to have His love in my heart again so I could hear him speak to me. He said, “Do you know that feeling you get when you think about your dad? That peace, love, and contentment you feel inside?”
“Yes, Lord,” I replied.
He whispered, “That feeling of love and peace is not just your dad, it is MY love for you as well.”
I will never forget that moment.
I now know the reason I am in Mt Holly. I was brought here to find my way back to God and to walk with Him again. To me, the greatest gift that my dad, my hero, my best friend and biggest cheerleader has EVER given me, was when he left this Earth to be with our Lord, who holds him now. Because this has brought me back to my TRUE father, the Lord.
Our God is such a loving God that he creates us all uniquely, in intricate detail. Not ONE fingerprint is the same; that is how special and how much God loves us all. This necklace I wear represents my faith. It is a replica of my dad’s fingerprint. And God created it with His love. This is both a symbol of love for my dad and the Lord.
My hope is that my testimony can show just one person how great and mighty God’s love is for them.
Ephesians 3:17-18: “And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power together with the Lord’s holy people to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ.”
Jennifer C Fishwick: By the grace of God, I am alive and able to share my story. My testimony is dedicated to Jesus Christ, my biological father, and a Presbyterian Church in Mt Holly, NJ that nurtures my faith. I am truly humbled to have an opportunity to share a part of my journey.
Heart of Flesh Literary Journal 