Bradley Warner

FICTION

I’m Going to be Kidnapped by Catholics

You don’t often see nuns walking out of a casino, or priests at a rave. But I saw both on the same day. How quickly a coincidence can turn into a nightmare; just so when I saw a Cardinal hanging ten at the beach.

I was raised as a good Baptist: baptized at 8, took notes on every anecdote-laden sermon, not a lick of dancing (that the congregation ever knew about). But now, I fear that for some reason, the Catholic church seems to be following me, luring me to mass. I do have to admit, there’s something grandiose and appealing about the rigid liturgy, Latin, cathedrals, and the immensity of pipe organs. But what would my deacon think? I must remain strong.

But it’s getting harder. The priests at the rave offered to buy me a drink; I’m pretty sure they would’ve brought me sacramental wine. And when the Cardinal came ashore, he wrung salty water from his biretta and splashed me. I think it was an attempted baptism. I’m afraid every moment. Last night, I even dreamt that the pope himself broke into my bedroom and force fed me the Eucharist. The wafer was satisfyingly crisp, and the wine had dusty notes of 1500-year-old chants. The problem is, I woke up hungry for more.

Bradley Warner is a Junior at Corban majoring in creative writing. His primary focus is on fiction, especially in the fantasy and sci-fi genres, though he also enjoys poetry and theological or philosophical nonfiction. He also has a strong interest in music and participates in Corban’s concert choir.

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